


Always on my own

by Justafewthingstosay



Series: Be more chill; boyf riends [2]
Category: Be More Chill - Iconis/Tracz
Genre: M/M, On My Own, Pining, Sadness, implied self harm
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-18
Updated: 2017-06-18
Packaged: 2018-11-15 14:58:57
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,239
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11233395
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Justafewthingstosay/pseuds/Justafewthingstosay
Summary: Michael walks home in the rain and remembers the good days





	Always on my own

Michael was walking home from school, it had been another day of Jeremy ignoring him. In the beginning, Michael didn’t mind, but now, he realised that without Jeremy, he was nothing. He had no one, he enjoyed nothing and not even weed could make him feel any better. 

 

So here he was, walking home in the rain, his headphone pressed onto his ears, as the loud music took over the sounds of the world around him. He had pulled his hood over his head, to stop the rain from bothering him, but like all the things in Michael’s life, this didn’t work out. He was drenched from the rain that was pouring down onto him in buckets. 

 

He had to stop a smile, as he remembered the times when he and Jeremy would run home together in the rain. Laughing as they both got soaked, knowing that later, they would be sitting on their respective bean bags, cuddled up in blankets, hiding their boxers from the other, while they pants hung on the bathroom rack to dry.

 

Michael remembered these moments fondly and held them close, scolding himself for not being able to let these moments go, but they were what kept him there, kept him waiting, kept him alive. His hope for Jeremy to return to his life, so Michael could silently obsess over his best friend and crush for multiple years now, was one of the only things to hold on to. 

Michael didn’t realise that there were tears falling from his eyes until he heard himself sob quietly. 

 

God, he hated this, he hated the world, he hated Christine, he hated Jeremy, but most out of all of them, he hated himself. He hated that he couldn’t be good enough for Jeremy, no matter how hard he tried.

 

He looked into the sky, the rain falling onto his face, blurring his glasses. He smiled softly, while tears were still falling. 

Michael looked back onto the ground, when he suddenly heard a familiar voice, Jeremy’s voice. He knew he was imagining it, because it was a conversation that they had months ago, before the squip, before everything went to shit. 

 

He imagined Jeremy beside him, walking in the rain, he could almost see the raindrops on Jeremy’s pale skin, the curly hair of the taller boy sticking against his forehead, while he talked about something, waving his hands around too much. 

Michael could almost see Jeremy hunching his shoulders a bit, the way the old Jeremy used to walk, the walk that Michael had fallen for.

 

It wasn’t just the walk that had made Michael fall for his best friend. It was the calls in the middle of the night, knowing that Jeremy would always call him when he needed comfort. It was the stupidly messy hair that Jeremy never really cared to brush, it used to be the cardigans, the washed-out T-shirts, that Jeremy only wore because finding t-shirts big enough for him was never easy. It was the look that he gave Michael, when they got high together, this look of complete and utter happiness. 

It was the way that Jeremy snorted when Michael said something very funny and the way that his lips only curled up slightly, in worry, but content, when Michael had a panic attack and Jeremy, came to help him through it. 

But the worst was that Jeremy was completely oblivious, he was oblivious to the fact that Michael loved him because Jeremy was too busy running behind Christine. 

 

Michael let another sob escape his mouth before he looked around. His imagination had shut out Jeremy, at least for a bit, while he looked at the big puddles that had formed on the street beside him. The little bit of sun that was visible, was reflected perfectly.

 

“Perfect” he huffed out, smiling a little bit before he remembered that there was only one other thing that he described as perfect in his life and that was Jeremy Heere.

Michael knew that he was hopelessly in love with his best friend and that Jeremy would never love him back, but being lovestruck by his best friend and spending every awake moment with them was still better than being ignored.

 

God, how Michael hated himself, he knew that even if he was good enough for Jeremy, he would never want him, he would never want a mess like Michael and after a time, Michael had accepted this unspoken truth. He pulled away from his excuses to cuddle Jeremy, or hold his hand or touch him

 

Michael had stopped trying, but he knew he would never find anyone better than Jeremy. He knew that there was no one, that knew him so well. Knew all his moods, his favourite games, his favourite songs and artists. Hell, there was no one else that knew about his love for old soft drinks.

There was no one, absolutely no one that was like Jeremy Heere, there was no one that could replace his Player Two.

 

Suddenly his imaginary Jeremy was back, he was going through a conversation they had shortly before the Squip. The world seemed brighter back then, the colours had seemed more vibrant, the world had seemed happier.

 

Michael was aware of how crazy he must look. Talking to himself, while walking home. But he couldn’t be bothered, the world seemed vibrant again and he needed it. Even if it was only a short moment that was fake, that he imagined, he needed it. He needed to know how it felt to be happy again.

 

Michael was pulled out of the vibrant world as he saw his house. He felt his stomach drop. remembering the happy times that he and Jeremy had here. 

 

He unlocked the door, went upstairs and changed out of his wet clothes, hanging them up to dry. He put on shorts and a new t shirt. He walked into the basement, their basement. Their happy place and fell onto the beanbag. For a few moments, Michael just sat there. Not knowing what to do, how to feel, but then he looked down at his forearm, the pacman tattoo that graced his arm now wasn’t a reminder of their happy times, but a reminder of all those times that Michael almost told Jeremy. 

The times that Michael almost told Jeremy what he felt. The moments when Michael almost said: 

 

“I love him” he spoke quietly, slowly letting his fingers slide over the tattoo, the slight bump of his scars irritating his fingers. 

 

Tears started to fall from Michael's eyes and Michael was almost proud of himself. It was the first time that he had admitted his feelings for Jeremy, even if it was just to himself, it was a start. 

 

A few seconds later, Michael had made a promise to himself, that even after all of this, after Jeremy stops ignoring him and maybe the squip is gone, he would not tell Jeremy, he couldn’t stand to lose Jeremy again. It was something that he couldn’t do.

 

He sobbed his feelings out multiple times. Always putting emphasis on other words. 

 

“I love him, but only on my own, Only in my mind” 

 

Michael had stopped crying after some time, he grabbed his stash and started rolling a blunt, with shaking fingers, before letting himself slip into a comfortable high. These were some things that he had to think about on another day. 

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> I hope you liked it  
> Comments are greatly appreciated  
> If you enjoyed it, please consider buying me a [coffee](http://ko-fi.com/pissoffimrad)


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